Aha! I've finally narrowed it down. The crash is definitely in either the kernel core, the MIPS architecture support, the icache, the TLB, the page cache, the platform-specific drivers, the SATA layer, the ethernet bridging layer, the firewall, the multicast support, or else it's somewhere in userspace. Or possibly some combination of those.
We are this close, people.
ssh+2FA to all your machines, anywhere, without opening firewall ports.